Imagine if you will a world where Heavy Metal was the driving force not just behind music but the very economy.

If you can’t imagine that for one your imagination is lame but it’s already been imagined for you.Brendon Small envisioned this in his animated masterpiece Metalocalypse.

In the show a band called Dethklok essentially rules the world economy through the power of brutal Death Metal.

I’m not here to discuss the show though exactly.You see in our universe the biggest Metal Band in the world is either Metallica or Iron Maiden depending on who you ask.

Since I’m currently talking to myself while I write this I say it’s Metallica. Feel free to argue about it and possibly go fuck yourself while you’re at it.

Anyway I digress.Metallica is at least the biggest American Metal band.They don’t control the economy but a ticket to see them live will definitely make a economic impact on your checking account.If you’ve managed to read this far somehow without reading the title I’m sure you’re wondering “What’s your fucking point here dude?”

My point is Murder!! Mermaid murder!

Metallica’s Unforgiven trilogy starts off really strong with part one. The song is an absolute classic.

Unforgiven 2 is just Ok. I don’t hate it. I know all the words but I don’t go out of my way to listen to it.

Well unless I’m writing an article about it.

Unforgiven 3 is so bad that in my opinion I’d rather listen to any track on St. Anger because at least that album isn’t actively shitting on the memory of a metal classic.

If you like the song I’d love to hear why so please leave a comment telling my why or that I can go fuck a goat.

Let’s get back to imagination land where Heavy Metal concerts come with a regular death toll.

You’ll probably die at a Dethklok show but the metal will be an epic soundtrack to your demise.

Dethklok has a trilogy of songs too.Murmaider, Murmaider 2 : The Water God and Murmaider 3.Each one building on the last.Roughly 11 straight minutes of awesome.

I’m sure you’re noticing I’ve yet to make an actual point.

Well buckle up bitch tits this is where I’m gonna get weird.

Obviously Dethklok’s music exists in our universe too so why aren’t they the biggest band in the world for us if they make a superior musical trilogy to Metallica?

It’s the Murder.

In Dethklok’s fictional universe the populations dumbest people regularly get front row tickets to see them live which gets them killed.

When a vast majority of the population loves metal with the dumbest members being culled at every concert it leaves a more intelligent culture.

You see at Metallica concerts people aren’t being killed.So much like in Idiocracy the fan base continues to get dumber and dumber.

Just like the Unforgiven trilogy.

Now I’m not arguing in support of eugenics or anything like that in fact quite the opposite.

Yes we may live in quite possibly the dumbest timeline but at least we live here in relative safety compared to world ruled by Metal.

This is why Metal is best when it stays underground.

Not because being popular is bad it’s just that our population is kind of dumb.

So if Metallica did start killing people in mass at every concert eventually there wouldn’t be very many metalheads left.

You’d just have the Tool Fans and those guys who act like Mike Patton is the second coming of music Jesus no matter how many weird noises he makes into a microphone.

To sum up my overall point here.

Next time you hear the Unforgiven trilogy be grateful that it sucks.

The Unforgiven trilogy is the sound of you being safe when you see a metal show.

The Unforgiven trilogy represents you not only having Tooltards to talk to online.

The Unforgiven trilogy means next time you unlock you car and accidentally hit yourself in the nuts with your car door before getting in you’re not the only idiot on the road that day.

The Unforgiven trilogy means you might be dumb as hell but you’re not alone.

Thank you for joining me as I Josh Hollar Into The Void!