was rolling through the common area earlier today when I spotted a pristine, freshly printed sign taped to the wall. The management company, in all their infinite wisdom, felt compelled to officially inform the entire building that detonating high-grade commercial explosives inside a multi-family drywall structure is strictly prohibited this weekend.
I mean, thank god they put that sign up.
Before I read that printout, my entire Saturday itinerary consisted of turning the living room coffee table into a makeshift mortar launching pad for a pack of M-80s. I was this close to seeing if a tactical Roman Candle barrage could improve the structural airflow of the hallway. But alas, a piece of paper thwarted my dreams of turning our building into a miniature war zone.
Look, I know we live in Wisconsin, and I know that apartment complexes are legally obligated to babysit the population and cater to the lowest common denominator of human decision-making. But the absolute audacity of a landlord thinking, “You know what? I better tell Lucas not to launch a Tomahawk cruise missile from his patio, otherwise, he just might do it,” is peak comedy.
There is an incredible, distinct brand of modern midwestern bureaucracy that treats everyone like they’re three toddlers stacked inside a trench coat. If someone in this building was genuinely planning on cooking off a milk crate full of Black Cats in the laundry room, I promise you a piece of standard printer paper from the leasing office wasn’t going to be the thing that saved us.
So, to my fellow neighbors: pack up your contraband. Put away the TNT. Management has officially declared that our fingers must remain attached to our hands for the remainder of the holiday weekend.
Happy Fourth of July. Stay safe, stay loud, and if you’re going to ignore the sign, at least make sure you don’t aim it at the siding.
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