I have a routine. I fall asleep to the comforting drone of a TV or an audiobook. It’s a delicate ecosystem. But the other night, the system collapsed. I must have performed some kind of high-stakes wrestling move in my sleep because I woke up to a television that had decided to join a psychedelic cult. Everything was either a blinding neon blue or a sickly, vibrating shade of purple-red.
Naturally, it’s a Roku TV.
Let’s be clear: I hate Roku. Their interface sucks balls. It’s cluttered, it’s clunky, and it’s intrusive. I don’t use it; I have an Apple TV plugged in because I’m a civilized human being. But this TV? This piece of “smart” technology is apparently too stupid to just stay on the one input I actually use. No, it wants to force-feed me its own garbage every time I turn it on. Roku, seriously—go fuck yourself.
The “Smart” Reset From Hell
I couldn’t find the setting to fix the color range because the menu system was designed by someone who clearly hates the end user. So, I decided on a hard reset. Clean slate, right? Wrong.
Welcome to the era where everything has to be a “Smart Device.” Newsflash: If I want my TV to be smart, I’ll make it smart my own way, thank you very much. But no. The setup demanded an internet connection. There was no “Skip” button. There was no “Mind Your Own Business” option.
The QR Code to Nowhere
Then came the registration. I usually let the Apple TV handle the heavy lifting, but to even see the Apple TV input, I had to jump through Roku’s hoops. I had to register the device.
They gave me a QR code. Did it work? Of course not. That would be too efficient. Instead, I had to feed it an email address and wait for a digital paper trail. Three separate emails and six different codes later, the TV finally deigned to let me watch it.
Bring Back the VCR
Whatever happened to the days when you just plugged a VCR into a box and it worked? Do we even remember those? You didn’t need a two-factor authentication code to watch a VHS tape of The Hunt for Red October. You didn’t need to update your “Terms and Conditions” to see a dial-up quality image.
The “Smart” revolution is just a slow-motion car crash of convenience. I’m just trying to watch some TV, not launch a satellite.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go see if my toaster needs a firmware update before I can have breakfast.
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